I HAVE CANCER, but cancer doesn't have me!

I HAVE CANCER

This picture was taken in Jauary, 2012, on one of my many outings with my children, this time, to the Dallas Zoo. As a home-schooling mother of 5 children, I have planned and enjoyed many "field trips" with my children and friends, over the past 18 years of schooling my children. On this day, represented by this picture, my biggest concern was what I'd prepare for dinner when we got home, but the reality was, that my body was preparing to fight the battle of my life. 

It was soon after this photo, that I became aware of severe pain in my abdomen. Thinking that I had an ovarian cyst, I went to see my OB-GYN, who ordered a sonogram. The sonogram showed inflammation on the pancreas, so the doc referred me to a gastroenterologist, who performed an endoscopy for me. This test revealed a "cyst on the pancreas", which didn't seem to raise too much concern, but the specialist, suggested a "follow up MRI in one year", which I forgot. The acute abdominal pain was gone within a few weeks, and I completely forgot about the "cyst".

You can't tell from the picture, but I was in pretty bad shape, health-wise. I was 40 pounds over weight, had dangerously high cholesterol, G.E.R.D., Barrett's Disease, Fibromyalgia, insomnia and Asthma. It was about this time, that I became aware that a few of my friends were beginning to lose weight and brag about a new way of eating, called Trim Healthy Mama. I ordered my THM book and began implementing the plan and seeing quick results. Within a year, I had dropped 30 pounds and gone off all of my medication and felt better than I'd felt in years! To this day, I'm still enjoying the THM lifestyle! Looking back, I can see how God used THM, in my life, to prepare me for what was to come.

Over the past few years, I have enjoyed having more energy, living almost pain free, sleeping better, having extra money, which had previously been spent on doctors and medication, and experiencing food freedom, while trying new recipes in my kitchen, with foods that I love!! Oh, how I enjoy being in my kitchen!

Then, in October of 2015, I experienced a deep, dull, constant pain in my back and side, and occasionally in the front, right side of my abdomen. I thought it felt like a kidney infection, as I had experience with those, in years previous.  Nausea and bloody diarrhea hit me pretty hard for about 2 days, during that time, and I went to the ER and had a CT scan, which seemed only to reveal "colitis", and I was diagnosed with a virus. My appetite decreased, other than a strange craving for sugar/chocolate, which I caved in to, but I dropped weight pretty quickly. Lost about 10 pounds in 3 weeks. The nausea and diarrhea subsided, but the pain, though it became less noticeable at times, continued. Gradually, the weight came back, as did my appetite. Life's demands and family needs kept me pretty busy, during this time, but the concern caused by the pain, led me to schedule my routine, 5 yr, colonoscopy. 

I turned 52 on November 14th, and all I wanted for my birthday, this year, was to be with my family. We planned a dinner out, together. Though I hadn't had any confirmation of serious news, I suspected that there was reason to be concerned about my health. I began to see a new and pressing importance of being with my family, and cherishing each moment.

The colonoscopy was in November, and resulted in 2 pre-cancerous polyps, which were removed. As God would have it, the colonoscopy was performed by the same doctor who had done the endoscopy, 2 years earlier. He remembered me, and just before I dozed off with the medication, he asked me if I had followed up with that suggested MRI on the pancreas! I admitted that I had forgotten, and asked him if that could be the reason that I was hurting, and he said that "it is likely". He ordered the MRI.

A week later, I had the MRI, which revealed an inflammation around the pancreas. The same doctor performed an endoscopic ultra sound, in December, to get a better look. He found a tumor. Needle biopsies were done that day, and those tests revealed a neuroendocrine tumor, NET. Right about this time, I was getting nervous about the idea of cancer. It was right before Christmas. My doctor was going out of the country for a few weeks, but he was referring me to a surgeon, who specializes in this field. 

There is something about impending possibility of death, that changes life's perspective! This is about the time that I planned a mini vacation for my husband, two sons, our 8 year old daughter and myself, to Great Wolf Lodge. We purchased the "all inclusive" package of fun, for each of us. We each wore the silly "wolf ears" headband, enjoyed the indoor water park, embarked upon the quests, made our way through the laser challenge course, held on to our seats through the 4-D Jurassic Park roller coaster, took pictures with Santa, made our customized leather bracelets, filled our "build-a-bear" animal with fluff 'n stuff, and made our way through the outdoor rope course set 50 feet up in the air, before finally jumping off the 50 ft. ledge! As I stood there, preparing to jump off that day, almost paralyzed by fear, I allowed the jump to symbolize the journey before me, knowing that, though I'm afraid, God makes me brave enough to do what I must, in order to fulfill His will. With tears in my eyes, I jumped. I was relieved to arrive safely to the landing spot. Mind you, I was attached to a tether and safety harness. This was the first of the many upcoming jewels that I was determined to place in my crown of precious memories before being "whipped" by the Whipple!

After a few failed attempts at scheduling my first appointment with the surgeon, wrecked nerves and frustrations, due to insurance network, I received a personal message from a gal in one of my groups, who works with Dr. Brian Gogel, in surgery, at Medical City Dallas Hospital, and she suggested that I contact him. I was so pleased to know that he was in our insurance network! This guy is sharp! He's confident, experienced, kind and helpful! 

Now, to get through Christmas! Each day was seeming like it had a new importance to me. I was determined to make each day, leading up to my impending surgery, count! I didn't want to miss a moment with my family!! I planned a first, of what I hope to become a family tradition, of having each of our children and the ones whom they love, join us in our home, a week before Christmas, for dinner and while elephant gift exchange, followed by our usual PJ photo op! Everyone was such a good sport, and joined right in. I just breathed in all of the joy that my lungs could hold that night. I didn't want the evening to ever end. After much fun around the Christmas tree, several of us went to Vetruvian Park, in Addison, in our PJ's, to walk among the beautifully lit trees in the park, around the pond. We took lots of pics that night, and just enjoyed one another. Another lovely jewel for my crown of memories.

The day that Duane and I went into meet Dr. Gogel, was surreal. I felt as if I was not living in my own life, but rather, in a movie which I had no desire to be in! I remember walking into his office feeling relieved that I was going to have surgery to remove this tumor so that I could carry on with my busy life, and walked out feeling like I'd lost all control of my life, and scared to death! It was that day, that I learned that he was going to perform the infamous "Whipple" surgery on me, to remove my NET and rearrange my digestive system! I would come out of a 5 hour surgery (minimum), with a drainage tube and a feeding tube. I would be in ICU for about 2 days and stay in the hospital for about 2 weeks, and I could expect the feeding tube to remain for about 6 weeks, until my digestive system could support my body again, on it's own. The incision is 8-10 inches long, and full recovery would take about 6 months. This is no laparoscopic day surgery, folks!! The surgery was scheduled for Monday, January 25. It occurred to me, that day, that I had 18 days to prepare myself and my family for this life-changing event. That night, I stayed up late, researching PNETs and Whipple. 

Besides internet searches, I also searched Facebook, for support groups for cancer survivors, and was glad to find one specifically for the type of cancer that I have, and for the survivors of the same surgery which I would have! The Facebook pages are Carcinoid NeuroEndocrine Cancer Awareness and Whipple Surgery Survival Group. By morning, I didn't think that I could go through with this life changing Whipple! I was horrified at many of the stories, which I had read, about complications which had plagued survivors. By noon, I'd changed my mind, and was determined that I had no other choice, but that my family was worth fighting for. I must have this surgery. My options are: surgery or succumb to the slow, but surely growing and likely to spread PNET resulting in death. This is not the way that I see myself being ushered into heaven! Not without a fight! Mind you, I am excited at the thought of heaven, and singing praises to my Lord, all day, with the angels in heaven, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not finished here on this earth. In fact, I'm certain, that God is aware of this cancer battle, for which He has prepared me!

We celebrated on Christmas day, and it was lovely! I had lots of fun with a new Santa phone app that I found! I'm pretty confident that everyone's Christmas wishes were fulfilled, and we had a great time visiting with Nannie, Shane and Rebecca. Just adding more jewels to my crown of memories!

Duane's birthday is the day after Christmas and I was so happy to be able to plan something we'd never experienced; a segway tour of downtown/uptown Dallas, with just the two of us! Some lovely, sparkly jewels added to my crown that day, for sure!! That day, I was quite aware of the pain in my side, which was an uncomfortable reminder of my new, unwanted "house guest", which was soon to be "kicked out"!!

I continued to watch the Facebook group for "Whipple Warriors" on the Whipple Surgery Survival Group. This page is so helpful and encouraging!! I introduced myself and situation on this page, and got lots of encouragement and answers from those Whipple Warriors who've gone before me in this journey. It's empowering!  Through this page, I've learned what to expect post operatively, what to take to the hospital, and what my care-giver needs to know and can expect. Great support for care-givers can also be found on this FB page. 

Right after Christmas, the tornadoes hit Mesquite and Rowlette, and the devastation brought us to our knees in prayer for others, reminding us that tomorrow is never a guarantee, and we should count each moment a blessing to be treasured!!

The new year was ushered in quietly, but with hope of our future.

In early January, I planned a "family day" with all of our children and the one's they love, to enjoy a day in Dallas. These last days before surgery, as "the old me" were coming at me, all too fast! There wasn't enough time for me to lavish the love upon my family, which became my obsessive desire! I wondered if they had ever been aware of how truly important that they were to me, and if they knew how much I loved them. I was determined to give them as many happy memories as I was able, before surgery. I cooked a brisket and packed a pic-nick lunch. We rented a 12 passenger van, so that we could all sit in it and ride comfortably, together, without taking several cars, because there are 10 of us, when we are all together with the extended "loved one's"! It was a frigid, cold day in Dallas, but we enjoyed the Dallas Museum of Art, eating in the van, and a trip to Starbucks to warm us up, before we parted ways. I loved this day. I love those hugs, and I love my family.

Duane and I planned a short, impromptu cruise from New Orleans to Cozumel! I was eager to add more jewels to my crown of memories, with Duane!! Our first cruise, allowed us to enjoy one another, free from the stresses of life's demands, and become more aware of the beauty which God has created all about us! One of my new favorite memories is holding Duane's hand while snorkeling in Cozumel. I shall recall this moment, when I need a "happy place" to give me comfort when the going gets tough. Someone may need to remind me of this, when I'm heavily medicated and the pain of surgery is over-whelming.

You can't go on a cruise without a passport, or at least your birth certificate and driver's license. I had misplaced my birth certificate, so, a few days before the cruise, I had to make a trip to East Texas to the County Clerk's Office to pay a fee and obtain it. It was on this day, that,as a result of my late mother's foolishness, I learned that I was not who I thought I was, and my daddy's name had been replaced on my birth certificate, with the name of my mother's 5th husband, who was only in my life for a total of 5 years before their divorce. This is a long story, so I'll save it for another time. The only good part of that day, was a visit to my cousin's home, in Longview, which was so good for my heart!! Please pray for her full recovery, as she is slowly mending from a near death auto accident. Her name is Trenise.

Returning from the cruise, I had one more week before the day of surgery.  Determined to make it count, I took kids to visit my Nannie, tied up loose ends with business matters, made a big grocery haul, set up a meal ministry for my husband and children, updated as many friends and family members as I could think of, and then I got sick!

I picked up some kind of bug on the ship!! I woke up at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday with razor blade throat and sinus congestion! I wasn't taking any chances with this! I started 4000 mg Vitamin C every 4 hours, and saw a doctor who prescribed the Z Pack, which I started right away. This bug kept me in the house on Tuesday, but by Wednesday, I was taking care of the many loose ends that I wished to tie up, before surgery. It seemed that there just were not enough hours in each day, but I kept moving forward!!

I find myself hugging my children more often, holding Duane's hand more often and wishing that this was a dream and that I'd wake up, but reality keeps presenting itself to me, as I put one step in front of the other. I have to keep breathing and moving ahead, one moment at a time. Just a few more hours before surgery!

On Thursday morning, I cried as I cooked breakfast for my children and it occurred to me that this simple task, now seemed like a privilege which I would miss terribly, as I recovered from the Whipple, trying to regain my strength to walk and eat again. It was on this day that I became more aware of the hours between me and surgery. Moments between the "me" that I am now, and the "new me" which I am yet to meet. I felt energetic this day, and was very productive.

On Friday, I had more loose ends to tie up, with lots of errands to run, including a a trip to Medical City Dallas, to pre-register for surgery. I had no idea that it would take so long. I was so glad that my son Michael, and daughter Jayden came along with me! I'm glad to have that extra time with them. The trip involved checking in with admissions office, taking care of insurance, getting the hospital bracelet on my wrist, promising to pay my part of the bill, an EKG, a chest X ray and blood work. I was 2 hours late picking up David from work, but he got in some extra time for his pay check and that was good. I was happy to take the kids out for a late lunch that afternoon, as we were all starving! Good laughs around the table that day! Then, we went to pick out a new, therapeutic bed for my 93 year old grandmother, whom I love very much! The bed would be delivered to her assisted living center on Saturday. Duane and I had a good time with our little one, on a quick trip to Sweet Frog!! I hope that she remembers these fun times. A few more jewels in  my crown of precious memories.

Now it was Saturday, and there is time for just one more "girl's day" with my 3 daughters!! We managed "operation new bed for Nannie" at the assisted living center, then I snuck in some of her favorite things into her room. Sarah painted Nannie's nails, and sang old hymns with her. Mike and Jayden played the fiddle for her and then I took the girls out for sushi, before taking them to the salon. At lunch today, my oldest daughter thanked me for being brave, and choosing surgery and life. How could I do it any differently?  I enjoyed pampering my girls and myself. I relaxed for about 3 hours in the salon, preparing my body and my mind for surgery. I chose the color purple,on my toe nails, for the Whipple Warrior representation. It made me feel strong. The day came to a close with "date night" for Duane and me. We had some good food and walked a few miles up and down the aisles at "the store previously known as Garden Ridge", At Home. Such a silly name, but adding jewels to my crown of sweet memories, and Saturday came to a close.

It wasn't easy to lay my head on the pillow tonight. It's just two more nights in my bed before surgery. I only slept a few hours, before I was up and writing about everything. Today, we'll go to church. Sometime after lunch, we are expecting Duane's sister and my niece, and my brother and his wife. They are coming in, from out of town, to be a support to our family. I'm so grateful for the support of family and friends!! We cooked a brisket in the oven all night, and the house smells good this morning. I'm very tired. Waves of fear and excitement pour over me. I have only a few hours left before surgery. Today is the last day to add those "before surgery" memories, as the "me" that my family knows. I am aware of the pain in my side, most days, throughout the day, and sometimes, I just feel a little "off", like when I was pregnant. You know, sort of nauseated/queezy, but not enough to vomit. Many days, I felt so fatigued that I couldn't stay awake, but God gave me energy when I needed it to spend with my family. I am thankful. 

Today, I'll rest and enjoy family and friends. This evening, I'll pack up my hospital bag, and tonight, I'll linger as long as I can, in my little girl's room, as I tuck her into bed, one more time before surgery. I'm going to hug her tight, as I know it will be a while before I can do that again, as I am mending from the monstrous incision. I've been told that I can enjoy food all day today, but not to eat or drink after midnight, in preparation for surgery. I'm to shower with the betadine scrub tonight and in the morning, before leaving for the hospital. It will be dark in the morning when we head over. This is certainly the scariest thing I've ever experienced. I'll know, though, when I wake up, that I'm going to make it through this. I'll see it in the faces of each of my loved one's.

So, though I have cancer, it doesn't have me. I'm about to drop this tumor like a hot potato!!